Danger is Everywhere-A Whitewater Kayaker's Perspective on Babies and Fatherhood

I've been a whitewater kayaker for about 30 years or so. Unlike most kayakers though I'm not really wired to be a wildman. I love the adrenaline rush and the excitement and am very confident about my abilities but I'm not one to look for danger for danger's sake. Perhaps it's this strange combination of desire for excitement and the ability to ignore fear that has me surprised by my reaction to having a baby girl. All of a sudden I see danger everywhere.

Thanks to Dan Monskey of Wild Monkeys Productions for providing this video of me getting "spanked" back in 99 when I when I was a little wilder.

When she was being delivered her heart rate got dangerously low (69-80 for extended periods). Perhaps it was/is good that I don't know how bad this is but I do know it had our midwife quite worked up. I tried not to let Rachel know how worried I was but I had images of little Addie getting brain damage or even dieing. I didn't dwell on this and this didn't happen but it was the start of an ongoing theme. Danger is everywhere. Ok, it wasn't really the start. It's an ongoing theme that started from the day we learned we were pregnant. You're never really in charge and can never guarantee anything. We even learned that we had identical twins to start with but Addie's twin never grew past a few weeks old. At least we have another great surprise waiting for us in heaven.

When I learned we were pregnant I was excited but ignorant of all the worries that I could dwell on if I let myself. From the begining there was the whole "make it to 12 weeks and you're safe" perspective. Except that 12 weeks is great but then there was the bleeding, heart shaped uterus, and eventually gestational diabetes. Once she reaches full term I don't have to worry right? Then Rachel got sick and we were in the hospital or at the doctors office every day for over a week getting IV's or checkups and I thought, "If we can just get this birth thing started we're in the clear". Of course things didn't work out quite that easily as I mentioned previously. But as she was born I thought, "OK, we've got her and she'll be fine" and then they sent her to the Special Care Nursury for two days to get antibiotics and fluids and live in one of those clear plastic cribs. But once they untethered her and let me take her home we were safe...except for the walk to the car, the drive, the germs in our house, the germs on the visitors, the funny sounds that must be her choking or gasping for breath etc. It doesn't end. It's life. It's our life. She's ours'. We're responsible but only God knows what he has in store for her and based on my knowledge of His perfection I'm glad I'm not in control. I'd say it helps me sleep at night but sleeping isn't the problem.

How the World Has Changed Since Having a Baby

I get excited about things that are totally ridiculous in the "real world". (i.e. Her first booger. Really, I actually got up to see it.)


I used to think the nights were too short, now I think they are too long.


I'm no longer the center of the universe.


My daughter will probably marry some day and all of a sudden I don't know any men good enough to deserve her.


The first time ever that Addie was outside the air smelled fresher, the sun was brighter and I actually thought it might be fun to just go for a walk.


I understand why soccer mom's and old people drive the speed limit. Patience is a virtue and I have to start living virtues if I hope to teach them.


The first "real food" your daughter ever smells is amazing even when it's McDonald's (breakfast even).

About This Blog

I don't know what I think about a situation until I hear, or in this case, read, what I have to say about it.  Hopefully these ramblings will be coherant enough to be meaningful to the reader, even when it's me.  I expect to get better at this and to shorten the posts and make them more about other people than myself.  But since this has to start somewhere and since some of you who I hope are reading this have yet to let me record your stories I'm here typing away in diary form.

Hopefully this will become a place to share and help remember the "Family Circus" moments that so easily get forgotten with time but will also preserve the "Vietnam's" of our lives that aren't easily forgotten.  There is so much to be learned from the lives of others.  The love of a funny story and the pain of a difficult one both need to be understood by those directly and indirectly touched by this personal history.  As my dad once told me, "Life is about relationships".  Knowing each other better will help us have that many more close relationships.  I hope you enjoy this.

I hope this site will eventually be in the style of Charles Kuralt's "On the Road" or Steve Hartman's "Everybody Has a Story".  I have purchased a voice recorder that I hope to use to add an audio stories and of course photography will be part of this.

Please send me your stories and ideas and I'll share your cute kids or your meaningful experiences with life's challenges for everyone to learn from.

Rite of Passage

This post was written Tuesday 9/16/08 one day before Adelaide was born.


So, I just learned that the big day is fast upon us. Rachel is going in two days from now to be induced if she doesn't do it on her own before then. Up to this point it's not been this real to me. Knowing that sometime Thursday (hopefully) I'll have a little girl to see and hold causes me to tear up in happiness. That joy is mingled with anxiety though, which is highly unusual for me. I'm not a worrier and I wouldn't even say I'm worried. I just can't believe that I don't just have parents anymore but that I'm actually going to be one.



Of course I've known since my teenage years that parents are imperfect but once I got a little older I was more impressed by them than disillusioned by them. Now I will be one and boy is parental imperfection more evident than ever. I'm the one that this girl will turn to? I need to be there for her? My wife is a very accomplished, intelligent, impressive woman who could do just fine without me if something happened so I have to admit to not being real concerned about taking care of her by taking care of myself. With a baby it's different. I realize I want to be there to see every moment of her life. I want to help her and save her from hardship. I want to be healthy so I can give her all the best in life and I want to make all the right decisions regarding her upbringing. But I can't and I know it.



When Rachel and I got married I recognized pretty fast the important role that God was playing in keeping us together. I couldn't be good enough to avoid disappointing her and myself all the time. If another person was going to count on me or I was going to count on a person to "make me whole" then I'd always be let down. Don't understand me to say that I'm unhappy. I'm thrilled that I'm married to Rachel and she impresses me more and more every day. The thing is, we both put our confidence in God working in each other to keep us growing together despite our mistakes. The same holds true for our little girl. I can't protect her from sin in the world. I can't make her life perfect. But I know perfection. I know where perfect love, perfect justice, perfect power and perfect joy come from. It's the last place that the world would look for it. Perfection is in the suffering of Jesus on the cross for the sake of the sins that I have and will commit. That kind of sacrificial love is so much more than I'll ever be able to give a wife or a child and I put my confidence in God's promise to make me more like Jesus through the power of His Holy Spirit. I'm not inclined to do this out of my own generous heart but rather as a result of His Spirit in me. I breath because he gives me breath and how much more do I thank Him for the love and grace He has given me.